I got a phone call in early April 2007 from my brother in law, let's just call him Andrew. Andrew said: "Hey, can you make it out to Houston this weekend? Because if you can, you can drive a Ferrari, a Lamborghini, an Aston Martin, a Porsche and a Corvette Z06." Cut to a spinning desk chair in an empty office, the sound of crickets.
So this was the scene when I arrived:
This was a tour. The owner of the cars rented them for day-long escorted driving tours that included lunch and a lot of seat time. The rules were simple: 1) Stay in line with each other; 2) you break it you bought it; and 3) have fun.
The lead vehicle was a Porsche Cayenne S with a radar detector, a GPS, and a guy who knew exactly why we were there. Off to the hill country northwest of Houston we went. With 5 cars and 10 drivers, each driver drove for 30 minutes, switched with his passenger, and rode for 30 minutes. Then we switched cars.
There were a few rather pointless stops at points of historical and cultural interest along the way, but no matter.
Do you want to know what I thought of these cars? Of course you do, and I thought you'd never ask:
Aston Martin V8 Vantage:
A marvelous car. Elegant, powerful, beautiful. It's made for a fast but comfortable drive to the country club, perhaps in casual dress. Your date: some member of royalty. Because the mood wasn't right for the Bentley.
The interior is as gorgeous as the exterior, with a piano black dash panel and suede headliner. This was probably my favorite car because it was so understated and elegant, but still a very fast and stylish ride. Nobody styles them like the English.
Porsche 911 Twin-Turbo
Holy cow, this car is practical! It's got a back seat! I can take my kids to school in this car! It's quiet enough to use for daily commuting, somewhat understated, and it has an automatic transmission. Not like those garish Italians. Your date for this car: Your wife and kids.
To paraphrase Jeremy Clarkson on the backseat in a 911: "Of course, your children will have to be rather slender to fit back there. But they will be slender, because if you have a Porsche, you've got a slender wife. It looks like I'm all set but for the car.
Corvette Z06
Oh, how cute: GM wants to play with the big boys, so it took its little plastic sports car and tried to make it a Ferrari. GM tries so hard. You just can't be mad at it!
At the risk of pulling the automotive equivalent of booing at the special olympics, here's a reality check: This is a $70,000 car in the company of $170,000 cars. It was loud, it felt cheap and it didn't work very well. If that wasn't enough, it wanted to kill you.
It all comes down to the tires. It's like this: Along the line somewhere, GM realized that if they equipped their Corvette with run-flat tires (tires that maintain a weight rating even if punctured) they could delete the spare tire. That's cheaper, it frees up some space in the back of the car and saves a bit of weight. The only problem is this: run flat tires don't grip. And when you're managing 505hp, its All About Grip. So when you put this car in first gear and let the clutch out, the tremendous torque of the engine just causes the rear wheels to spin freely. It happens less so in 2nd gear, so I ended up starting out in 2nd all the time. But every time gave this car the business, at any speed up to and including 70 mph (!), the rear end tried to swap with the front, wrap me around a tree, and force-donate my liver to an alcoholic in Wichita. This car is simply terrifying to drive. Why the traction control system didn't correct this, I have no idea. Why they put such junk tires on it, I don't know. A fellow autocrosser later confirmed my observations. "Yeah, they're like that when they're stock" said he. Holy cow. Holy Crap. Holy Garbage. Drive this car to Hooters with either the fat Brittany Spears or Lennie from Of Mice And Men- the gentle giant who's going to kill you one day without even meaning to.
Lamborghini Gallardo
Of all the cars, this one was the hot slutty one. People slowed down, hung out their windows on the highway and snapped cell phone photos. Tangerine pearl paint, orange top stitching on black leather, this thing screamed Tony Montana, coke mustache and all. The performance was nice, what with the V10 and paddle shifters. It was a little quirky in an Italian sort of way; the paddle shifter system would automatically shift into neutral on you if you sat idle for too long, leaving you to figure out how to get first gear back. WTF? It was a red light Waluigi, gimmie a second!
The car has all wheel drive, and was tremendously stable at high speed. If one had complete and utter disregard for one's safety, and that of his passenger, one could theoretically hit 140mph on a quiet little country road northwest of Houston (Andrew). Okay, so maybe both drivers of such a car could do it, hypothetically speaking, of course, because I wouldn't know otherwise :-). Your date for this car: a coked up supermodel who can't keep her top on.
Ferrari F430
Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAIGp_prsWU
It's exactly like that: Epic. Magic. Nothing less than spectacular. It dances in your hands at any speed. It was light years ahead of the other 4. The engine makes a sound that is physically pleasurable. The steering wheel is physically pleasurable to grip and turn. How do they build a car that? This car is touched by the Hand Of God, or else some engineer in Modena sold his soul to the devil. I'm not exaggerating, it was so bloody brilliant both Andrew and I giggled uncontrollably while driving it. We sat over BBQ that night trying to figure out how we would raise $170,000 in order to buy one. Your date for this car: Anyone, or no one. They will just be talking ballast anyway.
We pulled up in a little Texas town and these two kids ran out. It was the kind of town that probably didn't have too many Toyotas or Hondas, and nothing Eye-talian save the odd jar of spaghetti sauce. This gave me the chance to speak the finest words I've ever uttered: "Hey kid, have you ever sat behind the wheel of a Ferrari?"
If they're anything like I was at that age, they'll remember it for a long, long time.
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